The Good News About Anger

Anger often gets a bad rap. Frequently clients come in to my office and tell me that they think something is wrong with them because they feel intense rage and anger. Often these individuals have come to think of anger as a problem to be solved, and are usually a bit shocked when I tell them that anger itself is never really the problem. Obviously what we do when we’re angry, like yelling at people, breaking things, kicking the dog, or other behaviors can be a problem, but anger is just an emotion. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s simply a source of information.

Similar to sadness and shame, anger is not a feeling people like to have—though it seems to be the most popular of the three! Indeed, anger is often a “cover” emotion for deeper and more distressing feelings, but for now let’s focus on authentic anger. (Perhaps I’ll blog another time about what to do when anger disguises or dominates other feelings . . .)

So if anger isn’t a problem, what is it other than a distressing emotion?

Aristotle said, "Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power, and is not easy."

Hold up Aristotle! Are you saying there’s a “right” way to do anger?

Let’s consider for a moment how different the world would be if Ghandi hadn't been angered by the injustice of the salt tax in India, or if Rosa Parks hadn’t been so fed up with sitting at the back of the bus that she refused to move, or if Martin Luther King Jr. hadn't been outraged by the horrors of racism. What if Cesar Chavez hadn’t gotten pissed off about the treatment of migrant workers in California?

The truth is, anger is our built in alarm system for detecting injustice. It is also an important step in the correction of injustice as it is one of the emotions we tend to feel when something happens to us that we don't like. If our anger didn’t draw our attention to the times we are treated badly, and we were to go on as if nothing were wrong, then we run the risk of letting it happen again and again.

So the purpose of anger is to tell us when something is unjust, and it calls us to take action. However, I’m afraid I must disagree with Aristotle’s idea that it is not within everyone’s power to be angry with the right person, at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way. I believe each of us can and does have that power, and that it can be strengthened with practice. Next time you get angry about something try asking yourself the following questions before you act so you can make sure that your response does not perpetuate more damage and injustice:

1. Are you angry to the right degree?
Take a moment to determine just how angry you are. Rate it on a scale from 0-100. Then consider whether the situation warrants your level of anger. Sometimes our anger exceeds a reasonable level when we are overwhelmed, tired, or stressed and can indicate to us that we need to take better care of ourselves. The same conditions can leave us desensitized to things that actually deserve our outrage. It’s important to be able to ascertain if we are over or under reacting to a situation.

2. Are you angry with the right person?
Are you really angry at the person in front of you in line at the grocery store or are you actually angry with your spouse who you argued with earlier? Displaced anger is as common as it is counter productive. How are you going to resolve things with your partner by yelling at the person taking forever counting out their change at the check out counter? Sometimes people take out their anger on the people around them, and sometimes they take it out on themselves. If something goes wrong do you automatically blame someone else? Or perhaps you take all of the blame yourself? Rarely is one person 100% responsible. Then there are those times when we become angry at God for something that was beyond our or anyone else’s control. Before we take any action, it’s best to be very sure we are angry with the right person.

3. Are you angry for the right reason?
Remember the saying, “Don’t cry over spilled milk?” The lesson is that getting angry or upset about an unfortunate accident isn’t helpful. If anger’s purpose is to provide the energy needed to create change and act as a reminder to move into action and stop injustice, then accidents, which by definition are neither planned nor preventable (no matter how careful we are) do not a right reason make! Being angry for the right reason means being angry about an injustice, deceit or act of negligence that inflicts harm on another person.

4. Are you angry at the right time?
Is your anger based in the present or has it been building up over time and is just now exploding? Is there anything you can do about what you’re angry about? Would some present action be appropriate? People can carry anger around with them for years, holding a grudge against another person or themselves yet never taking any corrective action. Outdated anger is like an old blanket that once kept us warm and protected us from the elements, but is now scratchy and full of holes, no longer serving any purpose except to make us and our loved ones uncomfortable. In other words, anger about the past only irritates us. Anger is a catalyst for change, and we can't change the past, so being angry about it won't really help us.

5. Are you angry in the right way?
Ask yourself if you are showing your anger in the right way—a way that is consistent with your values and personal integrity. Or perhaps your tendency is not to show your anger at all, and instead try to hide it and not let anyone know it’s there. When people hide their anger, never letting on how upset they are, it festers internally like a painful ulcer. Often that kind of anger manifests as stomach aches, migraines, cramps, and other physically painful somatic symptoms that arise when unexpressed anger lives in our bodies. People who hide their anger like this are not showing their anger in the right way because they’re not showing it at all!
Yelling, being violent towards others or oneself, silently bearing the burden, acting out, or failing to act, generally doesn’t change anything either and just leads to more misery. Standing up for what we think is right, speaking our minds, and holding ourselves accountable for our actions and others accountable for theirs is being angry in the right way because it allows for an opportunity to appropriately address a correctable situation.

After answering the above questions, take another moment to rate the degree of anger you are now experiencing. Has it changed at all? Perhaps it’s dissipated some or you’ve discovered that you’re not really angry anymore. Or perhaps it’s increased and you’re realized that there are some areas in your life that require some attention or action and you now have the energy to deal with them.

The good news about anger is that we do not have to be controlled by it. When we ask ourselves the five questions, we give ourselves a chance to think things through and can avoid inflicting further harm by letting anger get the better of us. By paying attention to anger, whether it’s mild frustration or red hot rage, and the things that provoke it, we are less likely to overlook or ignore issues that need to be addressed and we can take the time to determine the appropriate action to take.

Beyond Trauma

We live in a wildly unpredictable environment, and trauma, defined as extreme or life threatening stress, is par for the course. Over a lifetime, few of us are able to look back and declare a trauma-free existance. However, not all of us will wind up "traumatized" by such life experiences. A child who falls out of a tree and breaks his or her arm could be described as suffering from a "trauma," but that child may be back in that tree the next day (or after the arm heals) without a second thought while another, who suffers the same injury, will avoid climbing trees for the rest of his or her childhood, perhaps even for life.

It is important not to assume that what traumatizes one person will have the same effect on another. The degree of traumatization experienced after a traumatic event, is very subjective and depends a great deal on the amount of resiliency present in that individual. Resiliency can be defined as our ability to cope with and adapt to adverse situations. As a clinician specializing in trauma recovery for people from all walks of life who have experienced various and often multiple traumatic events including combat, sexual assault, domestic violence, severe car accidents, and natural disasters, a big part of my work includes helping the client access their own unique resiliency resources. These resources may be intrinsic (faith, determination, sense of humor) or extrinsic (presence of loved ones, community support, nature). They may be long standing or recently acquired. Regardless, I have found that an individual's ability to harness and access that which supports, empowers, and heals is what allows movement beyond trauma and a return to wholeness.

To that end, it is of vital importance that we spend time each day taking care of ourselves by doing something we love. Whether you've already experienced a great deal or trauma or have managed to live a charmed life thus far, the practice of self care and self healing keeps our resiliency reservoirs full, so that if by chance (since traumas are not usually planned), we happen to meet up with unfortunate circumstances and wind up experiencing a trauma, we do not face the situation from a place of depletion or scarcity, but a place of strength, ability, and indominable spirit.